ani

Conforming, Travel, and Surgery
2006-11-14 @ 2:51 a.m.

I just need to get out of here. I am so totally convinced that that's what I need. I'm almost sure that I'm wrong, but if I can trick myself into taking on a new attitude I think it can work. There are times when I think "hey, new paltz isn't that bad. Maybe I could stay here a few more years." Like tonight. I went to french club and I stayed late and everyone was so much fun and they were talking about France and giving me advice on what to do when I get there. Apparently it's important to stock up on food on saturday because the entire country essentially shuts down on sunday. Also, making friends with kids from Spain means lots of parties and free beer. But anyway. I know I can't be here. I just can't.
I feel so boring. I hate that so much. I want to be interesting. Do interesting things. In musical theatre today my professor was talking about how we were all conformists. "What are you wearing right now?" Jeans and a sweatshirt. "What is everyone else in this class wearing right now?" Jeans and a sweatshirt. It was so depressing. I mean, come on. What do I do with my life? I sit in my room and watch TV. I sit in the library and do homework. I sit in class and take notes. I sit pretty much anywhere else and write. Occasionally I hang out with friends. I went out this weekend and got drunk for the first time in awhile. I do some clubs. But I'm not really doing anything with my life. I want my life to be series of Alaska like experiences. Yeah. France next semester. But even that. How many people study abroad in France? Tons. It's not unique at all. I think it's necessary for me to go there and I think it's necessary for me to transfer but I sometimes wish I could just stay at NP and just go abroad. I could go someplace in Africa. Or the Virgin Islands. Or someplace not everyone goes.
I'm also facing this same crisis when I think about my life. I don't want that traditional american dream. It disgusts me. Or maybe this is the new American dream. I want a job I'll love. I want a job, a career, that gets the reaction of "wow, that's so cool" when I tell people what I do. So what are my passions? Language. Writing. The outdoors. What the hell kind of job does that lead me to? I feel like I should just spend my college career writing amazing novels that will earn me lots of money so by the time I graduate I can just fuck around for the rest of my life. Travel. That's really what I want to do. Maybe I should write for a travel book. Ha. What a dream. Getting paid to go on vacations and write about the coolest things. Of course I'm sure they've worked out some system of just interviewing natives or looking stuff that they already have to put those things together. Maybe I should work for the Travel Channel. Have my own show. More likely though I'll end up an unhappy librarian who earns no money and just spends all day looking up books about interesting places. FUCK.
There are too many options. Why can't someone just figure out what would make me happy and then tell me so I don't have to worry about figuring it out?
I've also got issues in terms of my personal life. I think that's part of what's making me so frustrated at the moment. All this other stuff has been there. It's just compounding by other things that are going on. I have no clue what's up with Liz. I don't even know what to say about that whole situation. I'm baffled and angry and sad and a million other things that I can't name because there simply aren't words for it. Pretty much I think we just need to take time and talk but I'm not sure how willing she is to do that. I guess she warned me off this. But still, I didn't see it coming at all. I was really trying to figure out a way to get to Chicago to meet up with camp people for new years but I know she'll be there so I kind of gave up on it for the sake of not creating incredibly awkward moments. Instead I've set my eyes on UVM. Peaches goes there and I really want to see her because I love her and miss her and reallyreallyreallyreally want to hang out with her. I was hoping to go up the first weekend in december instead of going to Philly and I was hoping my father could drive me but he can't now. That's a whole other story though, which I suppose I can start now.
My father has this things on or in or near his stomach. I don't really know any details. Basically he's had for the past few years but a few months ago he started getting pretty sick, throwing up and all that. They did an x-ray and found that this thing had gotten bigger and was causing all these problems. So they told him surgery was possible but not necessary so he didn't do it. Of course it just worse and he was scheduled for surgery some time in december but the surgeon told him that at the rate it was growing it could turn into an emergency pretty soon so the earlier they could get him in, the better. So he moved it up to the end of november so he'll be in the hospital the first weekend in december and probably my birthday too. Hopefully this will stop the problems though and everything will be ok with him. And he's also going to be out of work for at least six weeks which exceeds his vacation time for next year so he won't be able to visit me in France or pretty much take any vacation time at all. It's going to suck for him.
In other news, I'm tired and want to go to bed now.