ani

Listening, Safety, and Tailspins
2006-10-06 @ 11:38 a.m.

I'm living for a place that doesn't exist anymore. This place where everyone cared about each other. Of course there was drama and talking about people behind there backs, but that would always be identified and talked through. I want to be able to talk through problems in the real world, but I don't know how. This isn't a safe place. People might hear, but they don't listen. They don't know how. And I need someone to facilitate that for me. I need Pooh in my life to help me work through my issues. I need to be able to sit on the front porch of a little cabin in nowhere Alaska and cry and be told that my feelings really do matter. I need someone who genuinely cares about me and about how I feel to sit there with me and not try to fix me, but to tell me that I'm not stupid for feeling this way and that there is hope.
But that place isn't there any more. I feel even more lost than I have in the past. I got pieces of a safe place when I was in Oklahoma. With those two women, I didn't have to worry about what I was saying. If I said something dumb or did something stupid, it was ok. I wasn't going to be judged or called out on it. Because for those people, I am more than that one moment. To them, I am a real person who has real feelings that deserve to be listened to. I'm not just a tool. A stereotype placed to fulfill a role. I am me and I'm not expected to be anyone else.
I wish life would stop sending me in these freaking tailspins. I get so high, so happy. After being with Liz and Liz for almost a whole week, I felt like I was a person, actual and whole. But coming back here, to this place, I'm cut down. Not by a whole lot. I'm taken a part, piece by piece. I'm judged on moments, not as a whole. And that just takes the bottom out. I'm falling. I'm headed down. I want to know what I need to do to make it better, but I don't. I want someone to give me the answers. I want to recreate my perfect world where imperfections and angry moments were okay because that wasn't all there was.
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.