ani

Feelings, Friends, and Finality
2006-09-03 @ 9:18 p.m.

I'm having a really hard time describing what my feelings are. I know I need to move on from camp but I don't want to and I'm not even sure how I should go about doing that. In the past I've just gotten over things completely. Like high school, I don't talk to anyone from there. Sometimes it makes me so sad, but I can't just start talking to people again. I feel like everyone has just grown apart so much.
So maybe it's too late for my high school friends, but I don't want the same thing to happen with camp. I hate having to hang on to it and always miss it and I just kind of wish it never happened so I don't have to worry about separating. But at the same time I know that that's stupid. There has to be some kind of balance between letting go of it completely and losing myself in something that's over.
All I want to do recently is drink or smoke. It's awful. Last night I drank by myself in the suite. It was a pretty depressing scene, but what makes it even worse is that it was one of the best nights I've had here so far this year. I just lost any kind of connection with anyone else. I could forget about it all. I talked to Lilo and I just talked and it didn't really matter what I said because it was like I was just pretending I was back in that kind of understanding camp environment without any of the pressures I have at school.
Of course this whole thing with Lilo adds so much to how I feel. I thought I liked her and I think she thought she liked me but I don't know if any of that is real. I think we both just liked the idea of each other. Which I guess is ok and will certainly help me in leaving camp behind. But of course I'm not sure that's really the case. I hate that I can't sit down and talk to her either. I hate calling her because I feel so pushy but she never calls me. So basically we only talk when I'm drunk or it gets really awkward. I wish I had something at school to occupy me other than work so I could lose myself in something else. I really should get more involved with a club or something. I don't know. We'll see.
Life would be so much easier if we didn't have to feel anything.
I need to travel. I need to become more adventurous. I can't spend too much time in one place. I need to get used to moving around and getting over people.
I just wish I were someplace else. With new people.