ani

NYC, Wondering, and Guesses
2006-03-21 @ 5:11 p.m.

I went to New York sunday night with my mom and Eric. We were checking out Columbia Law on behalf of Darren who has narrowed his choices down to either that or NYU if he doesn't get accepted to Harvard or Yale which no one has heard anything but no from. I called Em while I was down there but she didn't answer her phone so that fell through. We met up with my cousin Joel after the tour and walked around the city. We had been planning on going to galleries, but it was monday so everything was closed. We ended up going to book and clothing stores instead. Eventually, dinner was had in Chinatown with my grandfather. Eric and I drove home yesterday night. Today has so far been spent reading and walking with my puppies and Eric. Tonight will probably include going to the Spectrum to see either Transamerica or Cache with Eric. Tuesday's are cheap for everyone and Wednesday's are cheap for students so I think we're going to go both days.
In regards to Jeffrey, I still miss him, but it has become a more passive form of sadness. It's not like "I can't live without him" anymore. It's more "It would be really nice if he still cared about me." I mostly just wonder if he misses me. If he thinks about me. If he ever wishes he hadn't done what he did, or I didn't do what I did, or that there had been a different way to deal with whatever happened. I wonder if he, like me, sometimes forgets that everything over. If he ever sees something and is like "Margeaux would really get a kick out that". Not that he would ever say something like "get a kick out of...." but we're just being hypothetical here.
I wonder if maybe he's happy. Maybe he's glad he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. Maybe he doesn't miss talking about Firefly or watching movies or eating together. Maybe he doesn't think about me at all. Margeaux who? I wish I knew. I just wish I knew.
I wish I knew what he wanted. Does he want me to forget I ever knew him? Does he want me to maybe try to take steps to repair whatever is it that broke? Does he want, subconciously, for me to play the easytohatebitch, giving him the fuel to begin the potential impending 'war of the words'? I guess I didn't know him well enough to be able to guess.
I wish I knew.