ani

Friendship, Sadness, and Endings
2006-03-02 @ 2:12 p.m.

So Jeffrey has pretty much ended things. He got mad at for I'm not quite sure what, but he won't speak to me now. I tried and he just tells me to leave him alone. There are so many things I want to say to him, but that would require him actually talking to me, which is not happening. So I guess my last entry was pretty acurate.
This whole thing has screwed me up way more than it should. I gave him to much weight. I thought he was really my friend. That it was real. I guess not. I always make that mistake. I keep thinking about all the things we used to do together. Then I think, wow, I only really knew him for a few months. It's so weird that I just felt so connected to him. What was so special about him?
All I know is there was something. This is kind of what happened last semester with Charlotte. It's different with him though because with her, everything was imagined. With him, it was real. Or at least it seemed to be.
I wish I could just go back in time and make everything better. But I can't, and I have to accept that. It's so hard though. I'm falling back into old habits and it sort of scares me. I've been dreaming of dying recently. Luckily though I know that my real friends here provide with enough of a support system that I'd never do anything. Even though a part of that system I thought essential is gone. The rest is strong enough to make up for that loss though and I'm so glad of that.
Honestly, I'm sort of scared that he's going to want to make up with me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to not fall back into the same pattern. I would like to be friends with him again, though I don't think we could ever really be close because he's betrayed my trust so much. I don't want to trust him again only to have him turn around again.
I'm not emotionally stable enough to deal with all this shit. I thought he knew that. I guess not. Or maybe he knows and is just fucking with me. I just want to not have to care anymore. But everytime I see him, I just want to cry.
I really have to learn to choose friends who aren't going to hurt me.