ani

Friends, Fights, and Sadness
2006-02-17 @ 11:39 p.m.

I am full of so many emotions right now. I have so much to say but I don't know how much of it I really mean, it's just stuff I've been thinking.
I think I have a problem with intensity. I think that I tend to form friendships really quickly where the other person becomes so important to me that I would do anything for them. And it usually seems mutual. But then something will happen and it will just sort of end. And the end normally involves lots of badness. I think it's happening again, but I'm so not ready for this to end. I feel like I've found an amazing person I can see myself being friends with the rest of my life. But it looks like it's ending and I hate that more than anything.
I guess people just can't really handle me for too long. It's like there's a margeaux quota and once that's fulfilled, it's over. I never really talk to my friends from high school anymore. I don't want to push myself on them because I feel like if people have had enough of me, trying to make them continue the friendship is more of a burden than a good thing. So I have friends that I'm not so close with that I can hold on to for a longer time, a few years even. Then there's the people who just get so much of me so quickly they sort of, I don't know, OD and burn out after only a little while.
My mom was supposed to come on monday and we were going to have a girls day out. Now that all this stuff has happened though, I'm not sure I really want her to. I'm sure I'm still going to be upset and she'll be able to tell and she'll be all like "you're depressed" and she'll bug me about getting counseling and shit. I hate that stuff so much though. I'll never go.
It seems so stupid when I think about it. All this stuff only really happened this morning. But that's sort of what I mean. It's always something small and stupid that just so quickly escalates into the death of a friendship. I was really upset about it earlier and during french I sort of broke down. Something set me off and I just started laughing and crying and it went from being more just funny to me being really upset and like sobbing, though I couldn't stop laughing, which was good since people thought it was just me having some hysterical laughing fit. I don't know. I think I'm just not meant to have consistency in my life. I'm destined to have these really intense periods of pure happiness followed by complete dispair. I should probably just start getting used to it.