ani

Break, Friends, and Finals
2005-12-18 @ 2:13 a.m.

I really just feel like I need a break from everything. From school, yeah, but mostly just the thoughts in my head. I've been lying to myself so much about how I feel about everything that I have no idea anymore. I don't know what's going on.
Last saturday night I went to the hospital for "attempted suicide" but it wasn't really. I never wanted to kill myself. I just wanted to take a break. I feel really stupid about what I did, and I feel bad that I scared so many people, and especially that my parents now know and are going to be extra protective when I get home.
Earlier this year when I would get upset, I would just go to sleep. I tried that this time, but I would just dream about everything. It didn't help at all. Maybe going home will help things out.
I just don't want to go back for as long as I am. I'm afraid it's going to be weird with all of my friends from home. Ben and Chris have, I'm sure, developed lives apart from how we used to be. Emily, Eileen, Cathleen, and I have all been at college. I can't speak for them, but I know I've certainly changed and frankly, I like myself much more here. Hopefully we'll still fit into each others lives, if not in the same way we used to, at least something close.
I've made tentative plans with some people who live near me. Sarah from Colonie, Jeff from Clifton Park, even Alex whose father lives in Delmar and who she'll visit at some point. I'm scared of getting bored with home. Though it'll be nice to not have to worry about class or money. Well, I'll have to worry about earning it, but not so much about spending it.
My favorite part about college is always having my friends around. It's going to weird to sit at home alone in Nassau with no one around. Maybe I'll be able to hang around with Eric, but I'm not sure. It's going to be different.
Oh, congratulations to me, I passed freshmen comp 1. Surprise surprise. I also got an 86 on my french paper with no revisions which is pretty good considering I did it in like an hour days after it was due. Now I've just got a black studies paper which I can probably bullshit and I'll hopefully get done tomorrow, Swahili which I'm not freaking out over, but I'll probably read through the grammar points at least once more and maybe go through some flash cards, social issues which is a joke and I'll get a B in if I get a 0 on the final, and french which I'm probably going to do very poorly on but I don't feel like causing myself too much stress since it's not going to help my grade at all.
Then home on wednesday.