ani

Friends, College, and Decisions
2005-03-12 @ 7:13 p.m.

I'm feeling pretty low right now. I've been thinking about things recently, and I've discovered that I really seem to have a problem making friends. I can never seem to get to the level I want with people. Other people always seem to be more important to me than I am to them.
I don't have a best friend. I think at one point I may have, but not anymore. I mean, I've always been part of this group, Ben, Chris, Emily, Eileen, and I, and I've always considered them my best friends. Especially Em and Eileen. But I don't think any of those people would consider me their best friend. And I'm no ones confidante. I'm just not the person people go to with things. Good or bad.
And then there are all these theatre people. While there are some I find incredibly annoying, there are others who I would love to just hang out with. But no one ever asks me to hang out with them. And in the past, when I've tryed to make plans with people, they never work out and it's never mentioned again. And I always here about how they all hang out with each other, but never me. Sigh.
Then again, I realize that I'm going to college next year and I'm not really sure whether it's worth it to persue any kind of friendship with anyone. Hopefully I'll pick a good college where I'll be happy and be able to make new friends. Then I won't really have that many ties with home and I'll be free to do whatever I want during vacations and stuff. I'll have the four people I'm close to now and maybe some other people who I'll keep in contact with. But it won't be like I'm longing for the good old days of high school or anything.
And college is another big problem for me right now. I've gotten in to Purchase, Guilford, and UVM, and I haven't heard back from anywhere else. But I don't think about it at all. And I really feel like I should be excited, or at least happy, when I find out I've been accepted, but I don't even care. I don't feel anything. Well, I feel guilty, and I feel the need to force myself to pretend to be excited. But I'm not really. God, I hope someplace begins to appeal to me....