ani

Jon, Sentencing, and Imagining
2004-11-22 @ 7:03 p.m.

I'm so fucking mad at Jon. Why did he have to go fuck up his life like that? He's so dumb. And of course he's such a stereotypical school shooter, listening to Mudvayne and Marylin Manson and talking about Bowling for Columbine. And for taking the fucking plea bargin. He didn't seriously injure anyone and he's mentally unstable. But he doesn't care. He's just going to serve twenty years in prison which is way more that I think he deserves. Five. maybe ten. That'd be ok. But not twenty. It's not final though. He still has to go to official sentencing. That won't change anything though, he'll get the twenty agreed upon.
I was watching the news and they were showing some parts of the letter he wrote that morning and he mentioned Brad and Barry. That was so weird. I mean, those were the three guys who sat behind me in biology. I hated Brad but I've been friends with Barry since eighth grade. And when they showed pictures from the courtroom, Jena and Jen and Amy were all there. It's like, those are the people I was with right after the shooting.
I feel like such a loser though. I wasn't really close to Jon, but I still feel, I don't know, like I've got that connection with him. I remember in eighth grade when I went through the whole thing with going out with him and then dumping him for Matt and then deciding who to sit with at lunch and hanging out at dances with him and him walking me to my bus after and it being really awkward and stuff. Oh, nostalgia.
God. I keep wondering what he would have done if he had come into my room. What I would have done. I mean, if Mr. Sawchuck hadn't shown up at that exact moment, he probably would have come into my room. I probably woudln't have said anything to him. But I keep wondering, what if I had? What if I had gone to the bathroom at the beginning of the period. Would I have said hi to him? Would I have found the gun before he shot anyone, and saved everyone a whole lot of trouble? Or would he have just shot me. Would he have killed me?
I hate people that just look at him like he's some crazy person though. I mean, he had problems. Like last year when Mike was saying how he should be locked up forever and I flipped out at him. I mean, yeah, he brought a gun into school, but I don't think he really meant to hurt anyone. I think he wanted to kill himself, but just make a statement first. I mean, honestly, the kid walked into a room with the gun and walked out again without shooting anyone. It wasn't that he was out to harm. I think the only reason he shot at anyone was because he felt threatened. and the only person he actually shot was a total accident.
I don't understand how people can just condemn him when they weren't in any danger but I, who can honestly imagine a very real scenario (that I had to pee) in which I get shot, I still love him.